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Retailers As Presidential Candidates

RR Retailers-as-PresidentialPresidential candidate debates. Endless campaign commercials and discussions about those commercials. Fox News coverage. CNN coverage. Cartoon Network coverage.

The past month or two has been almost as bad as that most horrible time of the year when it comes to endless droning on about the Christmas holiday promotional season.

Maybe it was the mash-up of the two – similar in all too many frightening ways – that got me thinking: Who would be the presidential candidate that best personifies the country’s leading retailers? Not based on ideology or political positions – as if we could ever tell what were the actual positions of most of these jokers – but in temperament, persona and general image.

So, without regard for race, creed, color or party, I offer the following Frankensteinian matches of retailers and Republicans, discounters and Democrats, merchants and madmen.

Walmart: Hillary Clinton

The preordained leader, the biggest of the big, the one most likely to succeed…and the one with the most to lose. The Arkansas connection is just an added-bonus coincidence.

Sears: Donald Trump

The most outrageous, saying and doing one thing while really meaning something else entirely. And hanging in there far longer than anybody thought.

Amazon: Bernie Sanders

Certainly not the same old/same old, coming in from a totally different angle and shaking up the entire field in a way no one expected. Even when the numbers don’t really add up.

Target: Ted Cruz

The most brash, glitzy and erudite in the field, with a very distinctive point of view, though one that zigs and sometimes zags to fit the current situation.

TJX: Rand Paul

A completely different operating model, unlike the thinking of anybody else, they do things the complete opposite of most of the others. (Though one has been decidedly more successful than the other.)

Macy’s: Jeb Bush

The long-time stalwart in the field, at one time very much the leader but now having to slash and reinvent in ways never expected while trying to keep the excitement level up.

Kohl’s: Marco Rubio    

A new kid on the block who came on strong but seems to be hitting the wall more recently. And what you see is not always what you get.

JCPenney: Ben Carson

For a short period of time it was the most exciting player in the field, a fresh face. That turned out to be not only unsustainable but unbelievable as well.

All the other stores in the malls and out on the highways: All the other candidates.

Also-rans.

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